


Carpe Diem

by J_for_jenny



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-26 00:52:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17131928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/J_for_jenny/pseuds/J_for_jenny
Summary: What if Xander and Willow’s brief relationship wasn’t just a fluke? Their unexpected kiss before Homecoming leads to more and both Willow and Xander have their own way of dealing with their feelings for each other.This was assigned to me by the Which Witch Ficathon of 2018. Prompt: What if Willow and Xander’s relationship wasn’t a fluke. Pairing: Willow/Xander. This is my very first year participating and I am having a blast! Thank you Which Witch Ficathon for hosting such an awesome challenge. I can't wait for the next one. AND THANK YOU SANDY_S for being my Beta for the first two chapters. Your insight and comments gave me the courage I needed to post for the first time in a long time!Lastly, I dedicate this story to my best friend, my sista and most lovable co-host, QuinciWho. Here is a Willow/Xander romance that I attempted for you. Merry Christmas old chum!





	1. Yee Gods

Chapter 1: Yee Gods  
Carpe Diem

If only Buffy Summers had never given her that advice. The first time Willow took that advice, she was kidnapped by a vampire. The second time she took that advice, Willow had sex with Alexander Harris.

The moment had started innocently enough.

Xander and Willow were trying on clothes for their Homecoming dance, the first dance of their senior year. Willow was nervous, and didn’t think she could properly dance. Xander was in his full suit and bowtie. It was the most handsome Willow had ever seen Xander, even topping the military costume he had worn for Halloween a couple years ago. She had a list that documented each of Xander’s most handsome moments. She made it simply out of boredom one day in her journal. Looking at Xander in his Homecoming suit, Willow felt a desperate urge to update that list.

She'd been in love with Xander for as long as she’d known him, but he had never seen her as more than his best friend. She had always wanted more, and that’s why she didn’t stop him from kissing her. This was a dream she had longed for way before meeting Oz. Oz and Cordelia in this moment felt like long faded memories.

When they pulled away from the kiss, Willow was excited by the way Xander was looking at her. He wanted more. She wasn’t sure he would ever feel this way about her. 

That’s when the advice Carpe Diem echoed in her thoughts, and she took another dangerous leap against his lips. It was as if Xander Harris was seeing her for the first time.

* * *  
When Xander woke up, Willow was gone. He groaned, pulling the blanket over his head. Everything in his life was about to change and he wasn’t ready to deal with it yet.

He laid in his bed and replayed the memories from last night with his hand moving along his shaft, before he was awake enough to analyze how wrong this all was. Willow was so soft and gentle. Her whispers and moans against his ear were an ego boost that aroused him. But he couldn’t forget her eyes. She stared at him with water-filled eyes, expressing both a fear and longing that mirrored his own. She had always been his best friend but he could finally see that his love for her was so much bigger than that. It was so obvious and in front of his face and yet he never saw it coming.

It wasn’t until he hopped in the shower that he saw the blood. It wasn’t his but it might as well have been because he wasn’t a virgin anymore either. This was the moment his guilt started to sink in.

* * *  
Willow opened the drawer of her night stand and between a rubber band, loose hair pins, a stapler, stray paper clips some gnawed pens and a bag of sage, she still couldn’t find her journal.

The aroma of fresh lemons spread quickly through the house. Her mother was making fresh lemonade for a couple of friends coming over this afternoon. Willow saw from her bedroom window that her father was doing lawn work. When he turned on the lawn mower, she couldn’t hear herself think and left to find her mother almost bumping into her in the hallway.

“Hi, Mom.”

The nice china in her mother's hands shook in response. “Oh, Willow!” She regained her balance, taking a deep breath and relaxing her shoulders. “I didn’t know you were home. Why aren’t you with Xander or Betty?”

Willow was tired of correcting her mother so she let it slide, but it irritated Willow that her mother would not properly learn her best friend's name.

“I have homework. I'm going to the library.”

“Oh good. You do that.” Her mother nodded and turned back toward the kitchen, carrying the expensive china carefully with her. “Before you leave, can you help me grab the rest of the plates in that cupboard?”

Willow knew this wasn’t a question and helped her mother carry the rest of her fancy dishes into the kitchen.

“Have fun with your friends,” Willow called out as she headed to the door.

“Bye, Willow.” Her mom said without another glance.

Outside, Willow's father turned off the lawn mower and spread his arms wide to give his daughter a hug.

“Good morning, Wills.”

The only other person who called her that was Xander. Her smile faded.

Ira Rosenburg was a tall, lanky man with a smile as large as Willows. He also shared his large green eyes with his daughter. His graying hair was tucked under his torn faded baseball cap and sweat dampened his clothes in it’s usual places. Willow loved her father very much. The only problem was that he wasn’t home very often. Being an E.R. doctor kept him busy and away at all hours. He loved Willow very much, but never seemed to notice he was missing out on so much of her life. Her parents were very much in love and in a seemingly successful relationship, despite the fact that they seemed like polar opposites. Her father was passionate and full of life while her mother was very independent and kept mostly to herself. Willow needed these happy moments with her father in order to survive the cold shoulder from her mother.

“Hi, Daddy!”

“You look good today,” he said, grabbing her by the shoulders and studying her from head to toe. “Are those new clothes?”

“I got a haircut,” Willow corrected, not wanting to explain that this was the same she wore the same khakis and red, orange print shirt yesterday. She nervously pulled her sleeves past her hands. “I wanted to try something new for my senior year.”

“Senior year already?” He placed the palm of his hand on the top of her and jostled her hair around. “You’re growing up fast, Squirt.”

Willow said nothing. She brought her sleeves to cover her mouth and faked a smile.

“Well, I like this new look, Wills.” He put his hands back on the lawn mower, indicating that he needed to get back to it. “Where are you headed off to?”

“Library. Homework.”

“That’s my girl. Oh wait just a moment…” Mr. Rosenburg stuffed a hand into his pocket and pulled out a couple of twenties for Willow. “Your mom's having some friends over this evening , so why don’t you get yourself something to eat while you’re out?”

“Okay.”

Willow thanked her dad, giving him a kiss on the cheek before starting her long trek to the high school. She stuffed the money into her wallet along with all of the other twenties her dad had given her over the years. He always found an excuse to hand over cash but she rarely used it. Only when she had no other option. Mostly she was saving it. She didn’t know for what, only that she’d know it when she saw it. But Willow didn’t really want anything, except maybe a ride to school.

*HONK HONK*

Willow looked over her shoulder, recognizing the van immediately. She panicked, not expecting to see Oz so soon after… with Xander …

She placed the wallet back into her pocket and stopped to face the van as it drove up to her. She became pale.

“Need a ride?” Oz smiled, obviously pleased to see her. His hair was up in spikes today, and a band logo was plastered on his shirt. He reached over opening the car door for her.

“Where are you going?”

“The library.”

Knowing it would be strange not to accept the invitation, Willow got inside the van. The last thing she wanted was for Oz to think anything was wrong before she had the chance to figure it out herself. She attempted to keep spirits up by kissing his cheek and felt an awful stab of guilt after pulling away.

Oz didn’t notice anything off about Willow except for the smell. He recognized a smell on her but couldn’t place it.

“Didn’t you wear that yesterday?” Oz pointed out.

“Oh, uh… yes. I was up late. Couldn’t sleep.”

“Everything okay?”

“Mhmm…” She nodded. “Just did some writing.”

“Your fanfiction?”

Willow nodded again, taking the explanation he handed her. “Wait,” she paused, “How did you know about my fanfiction?”

“You told me about it on our first date.” Oz reached out and intertwined their fingers. “I think you were nervous. You were saying a lot and talking rather fast.”

“I can’t believe you remember.” Willow was again reminded of the perfect boyfriend she had. She squeezed his hand, willing to erase the awful thing she had done.

“Does that mean you are finally finishing your Doogie Howser fanfiction?”

Willow nodded. Stretching her lips tightly, she felt too ashamed to speak but hoped he would end the conversation there.

“Well, I hope things work out for Vincent and Janine.” He was being way encouraging. There was that perfect boyfriend thing again.

“What are you doing today?” Willow was desperate to get away from the conversation and her guilt.

“The band and I are setting up for Homecoming tonight. We'll be rehearsing and organizing the set list. I think we may have also agreed to help decorate with the Homecoming committee, but I wasn’t too clear on that.” He parked in the empty school lot and leaned over to give her a real kiss.

Oz realized part of the mystery smell was her arousal, but he didn’t say anything about it to not embarrass his Willow. But he liked it. He kissed her a little more harshly than he intended and pulled away quickly hoping she wouldn’t notice. What ever Vincent and Janine were doing was probably a little more x-rated than Willow was letting on. But to be fair, Willow wasn’t letting on much. She seemed distracted and Oz could only imagine why. He knew his inhuman sense of smell was an invasion of privacy, and unfair to Willow. So Oz didn’t pressure her for more information. He wanted her to talk to him about sex when she was comfortable and ready. Oz smiled instead, playing it cool.

“I can’t wait to see you at the dance tonight.”

Willow made the mistake of looking into his loving eyes when he said that. She watched him carefully. Oz was lost in the beauty of her green eyes and small thin lips, not noticing how scared she was. Slowly she couldn’t help herself because his stare made her weak. He deserved everything, and she wanted to give it to him. She smiled wide. Cheeks raised.

“I can’t wait to see you, too,” she finally said.


	2. The Personal Journal of Willow Rosenburg

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again thank you Sandy_S for the Beta! My grammar would be shit without you!

Chapter 2: The Personal Journal of Willow Rosenburg  
“Excuse me?” Cordelia shouted back at him through the receiver.

She was livid. It was an emotion he was very familiar receiving from Cordelia and it was easy for him to admit that he usually deserved it. This time was no exception.

“It’s not. I’m so sorry Cordelia but you deserve so much more.”

“Don’t give me that Harris. What happened? Is there someone else?” He heard a small quiver in her voice and Xander wanted to punish himself for breaking her heart like this. “Do you know how embarrassing it would be for me if you showed up with someone else? No one would vote me for Homecoming Queen. I’d be a joke! A loser! You can’t do this to me tonight!”

“Don’t worry. I'm not showing up with another date.”

“Is there someone else?”

“I'm not going to the dance with anyone else.”

“Is there someone else?!” she demanded, refusing to let Xander side-step the question. Cordelia had backed him into a corner.

“Cordelia…”

“Wow. There is.”

Something in his voice told her she was right. Xander could hear the now thinly disguised pain in her voice, and his whole body physically hurt with her. But he knew he was doing the right thing. When he was with Willow, he felt something different. Something stronger and deeper than he could ever have with Cordelia.

“You know what? I don’t care,” she said in a high pitched tone, indicating her lie. “I still have time to steal a hot date tonight. And I don’t care about your boyfriend-stealing tramp because you two probably deserve each other. Any guy at this school would be lucky to go to the dance with me and be on the arm of the queen. I will find someone else.”

She hung up with an intensity that almost knocked him backward.

He never predicted this turn of events.

_One moment he was picturing retirement life with Willow, then she walked out in the beautiful dress, they were dancing… and then he realized. Of course. He couldn’t imagine ever growing old with anyone else. Her soft breaths touched his skin. It always felt natural for Xander to picture Willow at his side at any stage of his life. It felt natural to lean in and kiss her._

_Xander was no stranger to lust. But kissing Willow was so different. Everything was different. All of their years together flashed together in one moment and he realized quickly that he loved her. When he pulled away to look into her eyes to see the effect the kiss had on her, he couldn’t recognize the emotion on her face._

_“I love you,” she whispered so softly that Xander was barely sure he heard it._

_“I love you, too, Willow.” He cupped his best friend's face in his hands. “It should have always been this way, shouldn’t it?”_

_Willow responded by slowly undoing the bowtie she had just tied for him. It wasn’t until the bowtie hit the floor that he realized he should help her unbutton his ridiculous suit. He kissed her neck while he worked quickly on his buttons. Her head fell back, and a small moan rippled through her._

Xander felt even more like trash after talking to Cordelia. He could only imagine what Willow was putting herself through. He knew they had to talk. He grabbed a coat and rushed out to find her.

* * *  
_Their nice clothes were tangled together on the floor. They looked at each other with new eyes, tracing every surface of their completely naked bodies. His penis in the air, firm to attention. He had hair in places she had never expected._

_She reached out to touch his pubic hair in curiosity, but he had already fallen onto his knees in front of her instead. Her hands fell on his shoulders. He kissed her ~~flower~~_

_He kissed her ~~down there~~_

_He kissed her ~~privates~~_

_He kissed her ~~love tunnel~~_

_~~He kissed her …~~ _

_He licked through the folds of her pussy. His hands pulling her waist against his face. She gasped through the sensations, making faces she was glad he couldn’t see. She grabbed his hair which only seemed to further entice him._

_“Wait,” she pleaded._

_He pulled away, watching her fall onto his bed. Her legs open, unable to hold herself up any longer. She felt herself dripping onto the sheets. He pulled a condom out of the shelf and turned off the light. She looked up and watched as he rolled the glow-in-the-dark condom over his cock. She gave a breathless laugh. He moved over her weak body and positioned himself on top of her. He moved her legs around his waist and she felt the head pressing against her center._

_“Are you ready?” he whispered into her ear._

_Unable to wait any longer, she thrust her waist up against him, feeling a sharp pain before he slid inside of her. He gasped, not expecting for her to make the first move._

_“I’m ready.” She smiled._

_Quick with the delivery, he continued to thrust inside her. Her never-explored walls held him firmly as he slid against them. Filled to content, she moaned loudly. She didn’t know her body could feel like this. The smell of their sex filled the air. The blanket was soft against her back as she shifted against it. His cries of gratification were infectious. “Oh, God.” With her arms far too weak to move, she could only turn her head and kiss his wrists. Desperate for more to do, her kissing escalated to licking his soft hands and sucking on his arm._

_A feeling overwhelmed her. She was afraid of it. Everything was new for her. He moved faster against her, and his change had distracted her long enough to relax, allowing the feeling to explode inside of her. She made sounds she wished she could never hear again. It was almost a scream._

Willow was startled when the library doors swung open. She stood from her chair, accidentally knocking her cup of hot chocolate onto the keyboard. She would have reacted quickly to clean it up but she was frozen when she noticed Xander had entered the library.

“How did you find me?” She asked.

“When you aren’t anywhere else, you're always here.”

Willow wasn’t sure that made sense, but she couldn’t think clearly She was disoriented after jumping from one world to another. When Xander took a step closer to her, she rushed to turn off the computer.

Oz had given her a pretty great idea. Willow knew she couldn’t talk to anyone about what she did, but she needed to talk about it. She wasn’t ready to admit to Buffy that she had cheated on Oz. Willow hoped that by expressing her feelings in the form of fanfiction, she'd be able to sort through her own scrambled emotions. Plus on the internet she could remain anonymous. Any comments could be important feedback for her real life. Willow was overly optimistic about the idea because she didn’t have any other way of calming down and sharing her experience. It was the first time she had ever had sex but she felt forbidden from talking about it with anyone she knew because they would judge her and judge what she did to Oz. Processing her feelings through Vincent and Janine from the Doogie Howser series seemed like her only solution.

Willow had been mid-fantasy-orgasm when Xander walked in. Her face was flushed, and her heart was pounding.

“How are you?” Concern was lathered in his voice.

His hair was clean. He wore blue jeans and a red Power Rangers shirt. He had obviously showered and changed - Willow hadn’t. She bit her fingernails nervously. Embarrassment masked any other emotion she would have felt since he walked in on her while she was in the heat of typing her erotic fanfiction. She avoided eye contact at all costs. She felt naked when he looked at her.

“How do you think I’m doing?” she grumbled.

“I know,” he admitted. “Me, too.”

“When I think about what I did to Oz-”

Willow choked on her words and fell back into her chair. She would do anything to take back what she did, no matter what it made her feel. It wasn’t worth it to hurt Oz. Xander didn’t completely agree. Xander fell to his knees in front of Willow and placed his hands on her knees.

“I’m a terrible person.” She started crying

“Hey Wills, listen to me.” Willow covered her face with her shirt and continued to cry. Xander persisted, “I just got off that Merry-Go-Round of emotions, and it didn’t get me anywhere. I’m done feeling bad about what we did, and I’m doing something about it.”

Willows peeked over her shirt. Her sobs continued.

“I broke up with Cordelia.”

“What?” That was the last thing she expected Xander to say. Willow dropped her shirt from her face and cleaned her tears with her sleeve. Xander helped. “What did you tell her?”

“I told her it was over. She assumed I had feelings for someone else. I didn’t tell her she was right but Cordelia and I were never going to work out. She doesn’t know about last night or about my feelings for you.”

Willow felt so ashamed. She was hurting everyone over one passionate decision. “You broke up with her the day of the dance?! Why didn’t you wait?!”

“That’s not fair to Cordelia,” he said simply. “She should be at the dance with someone that would be happy to take her. Why? When were you planning to talk to Oz?”

“I’m not!” Willow demanded. “I’m going to fix this.”

“Willow, we can’t take back what we did. And even if there was some magic spell that could take it back, I wouldn’t want to.”

Willow got a look in her eye that Xander didn’t like.

“There’s got to be a spell!” she exclaimed. “How could I not have thought of that before?"

“What?” Xander watched Willow jump from her chair, ready to get lost in the bookshelves.

“To maybe… erase what we did!” Willow was forming her plan as she spoke.

She was determined. Xander knew when she got like this, she’d never listen to anyone. But he tried anyway. He followed her.

“Didn’t you hear me?” He tugged her arm hard enough to get her to turn and look at him. “ I don’t want to.”

She shoved her arm from his grip. “Look, you and Cordelia were probably never going to last but Oz and I are completely different. We are going to last, and you can’t stop me.”

“Don’t I get a say in this?”

“No!” She was livid, turning to shout back at him. “You don’t get a say in this. Do you think Cordelia and Oz got a say in what we did?! We cheated on them, Xander. We are both cheaters. You may be okay letting go of Cordelia, but I am fixing this. I can’t do this to him.”

“You already did.” Xander breathed, trying to get Willow to come to terms with what is. But she was running away from the truth and even Xander couldn’t stop her. She was already pulling books from shelves and ignoring him. He stood helplessly watching her.

“I love you, Willow.”

He had heard the Love was the greatest power of all. He had hoped it would work for him now. And Xander meant it with all of his heart. Willow slowed. Her tense shoulders lowered. Her lip quivered. Xander knew this was his opening and his only chance he had to change her mind.

“I know cheating was wrong, but I don’t regret having sex with you.” He walked up to her again. He placed a hand on her arm, and she let him touch her. He kissed her temple, and she closed her eyes at the sensation his kiss produced in her whole body. “I only feel angry with myself for wasting so much time already by not being with you. It’s been right in front of my face this whole time, and I never saw it.”

Willow’s heart softened. For so long, she had thought the same thing. Everything would have been different if he had noticed her sooner. She had always wanted Xander to notice that they were perfect for each other, but now wasn’t the most perfect timing.

“I need time to think about this,” Willow said to him slowly. “Can we talk about this later?”

She could smell the cologne. She was so close to his skin, and remembering his touch was electric under her skin. It took everything inside of her not to have her lips play along his neck. Xander felt everything two-fold. He closed his eyes and swallowed hard. He could feel Willow leaning into his neck and he wasn’t sure he could hold himself back if she did anything. He was so ready to touch her again and bury himself deep inside of her.

Xander had just remembered she had asked him a question.

“Sure. Of course.”

They both ended up taking a step back from each other at the same moment, unable to hold back the chemical attraction that bubbled up when they were close.

“I kind of wanted to dance with you tonight,” Xander admitted. “I already know how beautiful you look in your dress… and out of it.”

Willow couldn’t hide her smirk.

“That’s not enough time.”

“I’ll save a dance for you anyway,” Xander said. He turned and left her alone again in the library.

Willow touched her lips and looked at the floor. She felt so many butterflies trapped inside of her, and she made her way back to the computer before she lost her inspiration. That was when she remembered she'd spilled her hot chocolate and the keyboard was sticky.


	3. Dancing Through Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is upbeta'd ... tred with caution.

Chapter 3: Dancing Through Life  
Willow made her way back to the library with a roll of paper towel and a bottle of disinfectant she snagged from the janitors closet. When she reached the library doors, she noticed Giles hunched over the computer and sipping a cup of his tea. In a moment of panic Willow burst through the library doors as loudly as she could manage, forcing Giles to look away from the computer and at Willow. At the same time a considerable amount of tea burst from Giles lips and onto the computer screen. 

His reaction confirm what she didn’t want to know. 

“Hi Giles.” Willow said slowly, “What are you doing here?”

“Willow… hi.” Giles choked on his words as he put a distance between himself and the computer.

Willow’s heart raced. She felt a desperate need to be anywhere but here.

“The keyboard was sticky,” he said quickly to his defense, “a-and the computer turned on when I touched it.”

“I-I can explain…”

Giles kept his eyes on his cup of tea and darted past Willow into his office. “There is no need to explain.” His tone was higher pitched than he had intended it to be. She noticed he was quick to seem busy, shuffling books around in his office and flipping through pages. 

Willow knew she had made an awkward situation and her urge to explain was overwhelming. “I had to work through my feelings a-and I thought writing would help.”

Giles froze. He took a moment before walking back out of his office to look at Willow.

“You, um… you w-wrote that?”

Nervously, Willow bit her lip as she nodded her head.

“Oh.”

Giles lifted his brows and his head tilted in a single nod. He seemed impressed.

“I-it was written well.”

Quickly feeling that his comment was inappropriate, he touched his temple with his left hand and shook his head as if he was erasing the words he had said. Willow looked away and began cleaning the abused computer. The rubbery sound the screen made as she rubbed it seemed to add to the awkwardness.

“Maybe you should talk to Buffy about this.” Giles offered, “I’m sure she will, um… be able to help o-or understand t-things.”

Willow had thought about that but she just couldn’t bering herself to tell Buffy. She was too ashamed and telling Buffy would have made this all too real. The chair skid as she slumped herself into it. 

“No, I don’t think she will.” Willow practically whispered.

Giles watched Willow as she stared blankly at the computer screen. Confused by her statement, he took a step toward her and decided to be more direct. “What I mean is, Buffy’s relationship with Angel has a lot of similarities to you and Oz. She can probably understand what you are going through with Oz better than anyone else.”

“That’s the problem,” Willow said softly, lowering her gaze to the floor, “I wasn’t with Oz.”

Giles had taken another sip of tea at the wrong time and choked as he was about to swallow. Slowly Giles moved to sit on the table beside her. 

“That doesn’t sound like you Willow,” Giles voice was full of worry, “Have you spoken to Oz about it?”

Willow shook her head, expecting Giles to berate her and follow up with some harsh judgements. 

“Was it with Xander?”

After a moments hesitation, Willow gave a breathless “Yes.”

Willow was surprised to hear no judgement in his tone. He continued to question her, “Do you love Xander.”

“I have always loved Xander. I’ve waited so long for him to notice me and when he finally did… I never meant to hurt Oz. I’ve been thinking back at my whole relationship with Oz and I remember small things… like when I first tried to kiss Oz, he stopped me because he knew I was just trying to get back at Xander.” Willow looked up at Giles and found comfort as his gaze held back any judgement he may have been feeling. His eyes were full of love and acceptance that she didn’t deserve. She began to tear up, “Giles… Oz doesn’t deserve to be used like a pawn in someones game. What I did to him… I need to fix it.”

Giles leaned in and held her shoulder, “Willow, these huge mistakes we make are the moments that change us. For example, I didn’t follow my destiny to become a Watcher until my foolishness led to people dying. I too have made awful mistakes that forced me to change, and I live with many regrets. These moments shape our lives and you need to make sure that it’s for the better. You know you can not go back and change it, although that feeling can overwhelm you, it will do you know good to focus on it.”

“I have to talk to Oz don’t I?”

“I’d say that would be a good place to start.”

“Thank you Giles… for not… looking at me any differently.”

Giles let a soft smile grow on his lips, “You won’t always be perfect, but you will always be Willow.”

 

-  
Oz was back at home sitting in his suit for the dance when a banging knock pounded against his door.

“Just a minute.”

He needed to finish the paragraph he was reading before he could peel his eyes away to get to the door. Oz was right, Willow had sex on her mind which her new updated fanfic chapter hinted at. Although this excited Oz, he knew he needed to be careful about how he would approach the subject with Willow. Until now, Oz had not mentioned that he had discovered her fanfiction, but it felt wrong to not mention it anymore. The vivid details of her most recent update had an effect on him that he needed to share openly with her. 

Oz closed his laptop and opened the door to find Willow, beautiful as ever, in his doorway wearing a red and black stripped dress with a small black belt around her waist. 

“Limo’s here.” She smiled.

Infectious as ever, Oz smiled back. “You look amazing.”

He leaned in to kiss her. It was much more passionate than he had intended but his head was still living in her story. Willow was first to pull away and he was afraid he had scared her. He reached for her hand, to calm her. “I’m sorry.”

“Come on. The dance will have no music if you’re late.” She said urgently. 

He followed her into the limo, a little dismayed to see Xander already there. Oz was hoping to have a moment alone with Willow to talk but he needed to regroup and come up with a new plan. 

“Hey Xander.”

“Hey.” His tone was sour. His foot tapped aggressively against the floor. 

Willow scooted in next to Oz and the limo was off to pick up their last attendee.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone so mad in a limo before.” Oz noted sarcastically. 

“Xander and Cordelia broke up today.” Willow said quickly, almost as if she was answering a trivia question.

Xander said nothing. He turned his head to look out the window.

Willow continued, “Buffy and Cordelia are in the other limo working out Homecoming Queen issues so we know that plan is in motion. Thankfully you know a guy at the limo rentals or else this would have been expensive.”

“Yeah, no problem.”

With Xander distracted, Oz thought he would take the opportunity to talk to Willow.

“Anyone want a soda?” He leaned over for the sodas and casually turned up the radio. Xander declined and Willow took a Mountain Dew. He pressed his lips against her ear as he clicked open his can of soda. 

“So I read your fanfiction.” He whispered carefully, “I really liked it. And before you say anything… I just want to be straightforward with you. When ever you are interested in exploring that part of our relationship, let me know, and if you are not ready I can wait. I just want you to know that you can talk to me. It’s something we can talk about and figure out together.”

-  
Xander watched them and he felt jealous partner up with his rage. He was already upset that Willow showed up in a dress other than her beautiful black gown. Then he had to watch their passionate kiss from the limo. Plus she had earlier dropped the bomb that she would not talk to Oz about her feelings for Xander until after the dance. That meant he had to endure watching them together all night. Willow didn’t like that Xander decided to break up with Cordelia the day of the dance so she was determined to do it her own way and wait until after. 

Oz whispered into Willow’s ear and Xander noticed Willow’s eyes widen with terror. For a moment, Xander panicked too. But there was no way Oz could know anything about what had happened last night, so Xander took a deep breath.

“Can we please not rub your relationship in my face?”

Oz looked back at Xander and gave an understanding nod. “Sorry.” He turned back to Willow, “We can talk about this later.”

Seemingly unaware of Xander’s outburst, she took a giant gulp. 

The car made another stop and Faith jumped inside. Her sexy tight back dress flowed in behind her.

“Yes! This is bad ass! Do these limos make anyone else horny or is it just me?”

Everyone shifted uncomfortably and Willow covered her face with both of her hands. Faith only noticing Willow’s reaction had decided to turn it down a notch, “Guess not. Hey where’s Buffy?”


	4. Money Well Spent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not beta'd - I feel naked

Chapter 4: Money Well Spent  
“I don’t understand why you didn’t wear the black dress.” Xander complained.

“I already told you, I don’t want any reminder of last night. Besides the clothes could have been cursed.”

Willow watched Oz as he strummed along with the band. The dance was lively around them but Willow still never felt like she was attending the party. She was too nervous. With Oz up on stage all night, Buffy and Cordelia late and Faith bouncing around, there was no distractions to keep her apart from Xander. This wasn’t exactly her planning.

Xander stood behind her and continued to whisper loud enough for her to hear, “The way I feel about you does not change in or out of the clothes.”

Goosebumps rose on her skin the moment his warm breath rushed against the back of her neck. She remembered him naked and hard, wanting her. He chose the wrong moment to press up against her back and a soft sound escape between her lips. 

“Tell me you don’t feel something.”

She tried to stand firm but her weak knees only held her harder against him. She could feel him shiver.

Suddenly Xander’s tone was much softer, “Wills, I’ll wait for you to tell Oz. However long that takes. But I need you to stop pretending that we both don’t feel something.”

“Come on! You two should be doing that on the dance floor!” Faith shouted at them. Taking her own advice, she made her way to the middle of the room and danced seductively with whomever would have her. 

They jumped at her comment and pulled away from each other instantly. Willow finally turned to face Xander angrily. 

“Of course I feel something! That’s the problem. I have always felt this way about you. Then you see me in a pretty dress and suddenly you feel the same?”

“Willow it’s not like that.”

“It’s just a lot for me to wrap my head around right now. You picked the worst time to express your feelings and I’m just trying to understand all of this.”

Xander’s shoulders deflated, “I know I’m probably not perfect.”

“We cheated!” Willow whispered loud enough for him to hear.

“Okay… so I’m not perfect. But I’ve never felt this way before. I’m not the smartest guy in the world but I know now that last night was inevitable. I know it was wrong but last night changed me. I can see everything better now.”

Xander straightens up when Giles made his way over to them from the buffet. He looked glum, carrying a small sandwich in his fingers. 

“I suspect the, uh, finger food contains… actual fingers. I-I-I think I’ll retreat to the library until coronation. I want to be here when Buffy… Well, uh, however the thing turns out for her. A-and that was a very fine thing you two did, putting Buffy and Cordelia together.”

Giles handed his small sandwich to Xander and they watched him leave the gym. Xander disgustedly tossed out the sandwich and grabbed Willow by the hand.

“Come on, we can’t talk here. We’ll never get any privacy,”

Willow couldn’t agree more and followed Xander outside into the parking lot. The moment he dragged her far enough away from the crowds he pulled her into a kiss. He tucked his hands into her hair and Willow held onto his arms. Neither of them fought it. It was exactly what they wanted. 

Willow smiled needing to take a breath. She finally straightened his bowtie as she had been avoiding to do all night.

“Sorry,” Xander said, kissing her forehead, “I couldn’t help myself.”

“It’s okay. Me too.”

“No.” A small gasp came from around them.

They were quick to search for the sound. Willow was the first to see that Cordelia and Buffy had just arrived to the dance. Their dresses were filthy and torn. A heart broken Cordelia ran into the gym with tears down her cheeks. Buffy stared at them confused and apologetic. 

“I need to fix this…”

Willow ran away into the night, knowing it was only a matter of time before Oz discovered the truth. 

“Willow!”

“Willow!”

Her friends calls were fruitless attempts to change her mind. 

-  
Willow arrived at Uncle Bob’s Magic Shop winded but with enough adrenaline to keep her moving. She was quick to bury herself in the books, ignoring every customer that had to step around her and she spread books out around her on the floor. 

Then she found it. With five minutes until the shop was to close, she found the heavy dark brown leather bounded book with the spell for her problem. Unable to find a price, she tossed the book next to the register in a desperate haze to get the shopkeepers attention.

“How much is this?”

Polite and unfazed the shopkeeper put down her own project to look at the book.

“Five-Hundred Dollars.”

“Five-Hundred Dollars?!”

“Oh yes. This is a book containing many rare and valuable spells worth a good penny,” she looked apologetically back at Willow, “I’m sorry, I know you were determined to find the right book.”

Ready to bargain, Willow pulled out her wallet ready to offer everything inside of it. Her fathers money was finally of use to her soul. Willow counted Five-Hundred and Eighty dollars, handed it all to the shop keeper and search the store for the necessary items for the spell. It wasn’t much, so she let the shopkeeper bag it for her and told her to keep the change. 

-  
The next morning was bright and warm. Birds chirped in the trees around her and the sun was hot against her skin.

Willow placed two smooth light blue rounded calcite stones in front of her and tossed two more across the river. After reciting a small incantation, a white haze rose from the stones, form a rectangle that sectioned off the river. Only within the stones the raging river was still. Pulling off the rest of her clothes, Willow tightened the backpack around her and walked into the river. 

It was strange to see the river rapidly moving toward her and moving with the same speed behind her. Yet the water she walked into was completely still. The sound of the water slapping against the rocks reminded her of how dangerous this was. If one thing went wrong, the current would drag her away, but she tried not to focus on that. 

Once she was in the middle of the river, the water level was just at her waist. She pulled a candle out from her backpack and after she could light it, she pulled out a handful of salt and sprinkled it into the flame. As she recited the spell, she pulled another rock from her bag. This rock had a fossil pressed into it. The bones of a long-forgotten fish were engrained into the rock. When the fire from the candle touched the rock, a blue flame engulfed the fossil. Afraid the fire would burn her hand, Willow had almost dropped it before she realized that she couldn’t feel a thing. 

Another small light twinkled around her. She watched it fly around her like a firefly. Everything was so far going according to plan but she couldn’t remember the book talking about the small twinkling light. She watched it carefully until a blurry figure became clear in the distance. 

“Willow! Stop!”

Xander was running toward her through the trees. The light that had danced around her made its way to Xander and disappeared in his hand. Xander approached the river and froze. 

“Woah.”

It took Willow a moment before she used an arm to cover her breasts.

“How did you find me?”

Xander took a moment to pinch his arm, “Ow! Giles… I told him what you were doing and he cast a spell so I could find you. He would have sent Buffy but we haven’t seen her since last night… Will! You are standing in the middle of the river. How are you not being taken by the current?”

Xander was unable to see the magical barrier Willow had made with the stones. 

“You can’t stop this Xander. It’s too late! I’m taking back what we did like it never happened.”

“You can’t do that!”

“It’ll be better this way Xander. Maybe we can do this the right way next time and not cheat…”

“I said you can’t do that!” Xander shouted angrily back at her. Willow thought she had seen every face of Xander Harris but she’d never seen this one. He’d never been so angry with her.

Her plan was perfect and Xander was being unreasonable. 

“Why not?”

“Because you are about to erase the happiest moment of my entire life.”

Willow was thrown by his response. 

“Xander…”

“No Willow. You are the only healthy relationship I have ever had in my entire life. I’m sorry it took me so long. I’m all messed up okay? Fine. But Willow last night wasn’t about lust. Last night was me finally realizing the kind of love we could have. I love you so much Willow. That night changed everything for me and if you take that back then I’ll loose that lesson. I don’t want to go back to being an idiot. Loving you is the smartest thing I’ll ever do. I’m sorry that others got hurt. I really am. But the only kind of love I want is the kind that you can give me and I do not want to go back to who I was before this.”

Willow’s lip shivered and her eyes burned with tears. 

“Don’t do this Willow.” He pleaded.

Unable to hurt Xander like this, she dropped her arms, letting the fossils blue fire burn out in the river’s water. 

The spell was over. 

The river moved hard against her almost instantly. She had forgotten that the spell would break and she would no longer be safe in the river. She struggled for air as the current pushed her away. She could barely hear Xander screaming her name before her head smashed hard against a rock on the bottom of the river. 

-  
She heard laughter. Slowly Willow opened her eyes and her vision needed a moment to adjust to the sunlight. She was wet and cold. A large jacket was wrapped around her. She looked up to see Xander. His eyes filled with tears but a large smile on his lips and a soft laugh filled the air between them. 

“God Willow. You really scared me.”

His hair dripped onto her skin and she realized that he must have jumped in and pulled her out. 

“I’m sorry.” She croaked. 

Xander kissed her. Willow was too slow to respond. 

“I need to tell … Oz,” Willow admitted to herself.

“Umm… he kinda already knows. Cordy’s acceptance speech last night was quite bitter. Needless to say she got her revenge.”

“She told everyone we kissed?”

“uh-huh,” Xander nodded nervously. 

“I need to talk to Oz.” Willow tried to get up but Xander pushed her back down.

“I know. But let’s just lie here for a moment.”


	5. Five by Five

Chapter 5: Five by Five  
Willow stood nervously at Oz’s doorstep later that afternoon. The sun was beginning to set. The blue sky melted into orange. She knocked lightly on the large wooden door.

Within moments he opened the door as if he had been waiting for her. His black finger nails gripped against the door frame and he smiled.

“Hey,” he said softly.

“Hi,” Willow was slightly confused. She stood quietly, allowing him to lead the conversation.

“So last night was weird,” he offered.

Willow took a deep breath in some hope that it would build up her courage. “Oz we need to talk.”

She expected his smile to fall but it didn’t. He opened the door for her to come in and they sat together on his couch. Willow crossed her legs uncomfortably, not sure how to begin.

“So I don’t know what Cordelia said in her speech last night-”

“Yeah it was… interesting.” He said with a soft chuckle.

“Well it’s true.”

“It’s true?”

“All of it.”

He tilted his head slightly and his confused gaze met the floor.

“So Xander and Cordelia broke up because he kissed someone else?”

“Me.”

There was a pause. “Yeah, Cordelia didn’t say that part.” She noticed Oz’s shoulders stiffen and she waited for him to look back up at her but he wouldn’t. His tone sharp, “Did you kiss him back?”

“Yes.”

“When?”

“That question is a little more difficult to answer.”

Oz stood from the couch breathing heavily. “How is that a difficult question?”

“There’s more.”

His breathing became so loud that it interrupted her. “So that’s what the fanfiction is about?”

Will didn’t answer, wishing that he had never read it. The details were much more intimate than he ever needed to know. Oz kept his back toward her so she reached up for his shoulder.

“Oz, I’m so sorry.”

His labored breathing started to slow. Her touch seemed to weaken him as his shoulders fell. He turned to look at her hand on his arm.

“I know you and Xander have a history. I can’t compete with that,” she could hear the tears trapped in his voice. “But I just, I don’t think this is how we were supposed to end Willow.”

“It’s always been Xander,” she admitted in defeat.

She remembered the river. It was a choice between Xander’s happiness and Oz’s. She choose Xander’s and she knew it had to be over with Oz. She wasn’t the person would could prioritize his happiness. It hurt her to watch him hurt. She would regret what she did to him for her whole life.

“I need you to go.”

Willow wanted to say more but there was nothing more too say. So she left.

> > >  
It had been a few weeks since she talked to Oz. Hanukkah was just beginning and Xander had already planned their holiday festivities. Jingle bells and Christmas music suffocated the season but Willow was excited to exchange gifts this year. She was shopping around the mall with Buffy and Willow needed the space from her heavy PDA boyfriend.

“So you and Xander seem to be doing well.” Buffy noted with a teasing smile on her lips.

“I didn’t realize Xander was so… touchy.”

“You did see him with Cordelia right?”

“I tried not to.”

They sat in the food court and chewed on some corn dogs from Hot Dog on a Stick.

“I’m still surprised you didn’t tell me about you and Xander,” Buffy looked down and took a sip from her lemonade.

This was the first time Buffy had guilt tripped her over it and she had been waiting for it. Willow instantly caved in with apologies.

“Buffy, I’m so sorry. I was embarrassed. I know I love Xander but I never thought I would cheat on Oz. I didn’t know what to do and I panicked.”

“Yeah, Giles told me about the dark magic you almost did. I wish you would have just talked to me.”

“I know. I promise. No more secrets.”

Buffy closed her eyes and wrinkled her nose as if she had gotten a bad taste in her mouth.

“Are you okay?”

“Okay, I have a secret I need to share and then we’ll have no more secrets.”

“What is it?”

Opening her eyes, Buffy watched Willow carefully.

“I slept with Faith.”

“You did what?!” Willow gasped and reached instantly for her friend’s hand.

Buffy squeezed her hand back, “I know. It was the night of the dance. I was being hunted by demons with Cordelia, I lost Homecoming Queen, you and Xander and ran off and Faith… well she stayed. We danced… and it was like the more our bodies pushed together, the less we wanted to pull apart. So we left.”

“A-are you and Faith dating?”

“I don’t know!”

“What does Faith say?!”

“Five by Five!” Buffy shouted back sarcastically at Willow, “I don’t know what Faith wants and she plays it so cool that it drives me crazy!”

“Carpe Diem.”

“What?”

Willow smiled wickedly at Buffy, “I don’t know. That advice always seems to get me in the best sort of trouble.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Holidays folks!!! Leave a comment! Thanks for tuning in.


End file.
